Abandonment...
June 30, 2002
A Warm Hello to Everyone!
For those who didn't have a chance to read the last newsletter, the name of this
newsletter was just very recently changed from "BPD/BP Sanctuary Newsletter" to
"BPD/BPD Today Newsletter." Why? If only it was because I had nothing better to
do.
My partner and I have permanently split up and he wanted the Sanctuary Site, and
his name was on the domain and the host, so I finally just gave it to him.
I decided to start my own site and it just opened at
http://www.mental-health-today.com.
Obviously it's called Mental Health Today.
BREAK-UPS/DIVORCE
It feels great to be back on track again with a website. It's been a LOT of work
but I kept telling myself "sooner or later you are going to have to write
everyone in your newsletter and tell them honestly how you got through your
divorce, what skills you used that helped, what didn't, were you pathetic or did
you get through it like a warrior?"
For those of you who have been subscribed to this newsletter for awhile know
that eventually I use my own experience in this newsletter and my hope is that
it helps.
It * has * been awhile since I've written a newsletter. It takes a lot of energy
to ride the tide of a drowning relationship. However I have missed you all.
It sure sounds like I am a strong person thus far huh? I've only been alone a
little over a month now and already I have my site up and I even mentioned the
word "warrior" in this newsletter. Don't let this fool you.
I have just started seeing a counselor after not seeing one for a long time and
I told him that I felt that experiencing grief for a person with a mental health
disorder with the BP and the BPD especially must be different that a person
without any mental health disorders.
I feel like I have had tunnel vision and the only thing I can think about and
see is, guess what? Abandonment. My ex and I are not right for each other to say
the least. I had forgotten that I had asked him to go many times before he
finally went. I had forgotten how many times I told him I hated him before he
left. YET, he left and he would not come back. I was abandoned and I couldn't
stand it. I could not remember all those things prior to his leaving at all. All
I could see and feel were abandonment and I * had * to get him back. It was
absolutely vital.
One person asked me, "If he were to really come back, would you take him back?"
I visually pictured him driving here with his daughter and my first instinct
would be to lock the front door and go outside and advise him that he is no
longer on the lease. In fact my body physically experienced fear. He would have
to leave and so would his daughter.
I even wrote him a lengthy letter about me moving to where he is located and
doing counseling together, blah, blah, blah. When I wrote it, I meant it. Would
I do that? Not in a zillion years!!!! Thank heavens I was turned down.
Interestingly when I was turned down I felt my heart was broke
In the past when I was * very * ill, when he left I would have felt invisible
because I only felt I existed when the man was in my life.
I'm fully and totally here now. None of me has left.
So, try to make sense out of that – the abandonment, until my next newsletter….
In fact, I * know * this is hitting many of you out there. I encourage any of
you to write your thoughts on this to patty@mental- health-today.com with the
words "abandonment" in the subject.
DON'T reply to this letter or you will be automatically unsubscribed, remember?
I'll be glad to post your letter in the next newsletter.
This is a great opportunity to look at some of our relationships.
For those of you who are bipolar I'll even get to one of the worst episodes I've
ever had recently very soon.
Sincerely,
Patty Pheil M.S.W.
Webowner
Mental Health Today
http://www.mental-health-today.com
ABANDONMENT
**************
In the last newsletter we discussed abandonment. I spoke I asked people to
write in their thoughts about abandonment as I would include it in this
newsletter.
Here I what I received:
When my ex-husband left me, I was devastated. The bottom fell out of my entire
world. Up till that point I had been able to keep up appearances, able to work.
When he left, I wasn't able to do anything. I quit functioning completely. I
felt abandoned, just like when my dad had left us when I was five years old. The
sad thing was I didn't want this man to leave even though he was killing. He was
verbally, emotionally, psychologically abusive. He had been physically abusive.
Turned out he was also having an affair and was leaving me for his mistress. My
mental health had taken a huge nose dive over the course of our relationship and
I was miserable. I knew that this man could very well be the literal death of
me, but I couldn't bear the pain of being abandoned yet again. It took me some
time to recover. But I can say now that I am glad, so very glad that he is gone.
Actually, glad isn't a strong enough word. I don't think there is a word strong
enough to express my relief that he is gone and out of my life. There is no way
on earth I would ever consider taking him back, ever.
I married in 1976. Divorced in 1979. My husband abused me physically,
emotionally, and mentally. The cops were involved in my abuse. The cops were
Pencil and Mitchell and they were Chattanooga City Police Officers. Not directly
with my husband, but indirectly and verbally.
I had to give you some background but I don't want to go into the whole story.
I'm writing it and when I finish it, I will send you a copy.
I had NOT forgotten that I was abused by my ex-husband, nor had I forgotten that
I screwed Pencil (and that I was suppose to screw Mitchell, too but after Pencil
told me that he would kill me if I told I got out of there as quick as I could
because he said, "Mitchell's coming in here next.") that told me (at the time
that my husband was abusing me) that he would KILL me if I told. But I had
forgotten HOW I FELT when my ex-husband abused me AND that the cop had told me
that he would kill me if I told. You have to understand that the only reason I
screwed the cop in the first place was because I was afraid he would set me up
somehow and find a way to take me to jail. Jail, for some reason or another, is
the place that I am totally scared of. Someone told me I shouldn't be scared of
jail until I went, but I feel like that if I keep being scared of jail that that
will keep me out for sure. I was only 20 years old, beaten and abused I didn't
have a clue I was supposed to screw Mitchell too. I thought he was just there to
protect Pencil while we did it.
If you have ever been abused, which is a lot of what causes disorders in the
first place, then you know that when someone has you on the ground, like my
ex-husband did, and tells you that they are going to kill you if you tell or
leave, you have a tendency to believe them. I believed him. When the cop told me
that he would kill me if I told, I believed him.
I believed my ex because he was doing the physical abuse. I believed the cop
because I (now here is where my delusion comes in) that you could look up to
cops and that they were SUPPOSE to help you. An authority figure. I BELIEVED HIM
WITHOUT QUESTION. Needless to say, the cop told me, when I refused to do it
again, that if I called the cops on my husband for beating me that they would
take ME to jail! I BELIEVED HIM WITHOUT QUESTION. This all happened in 78'.
In 1995, I was working at a convenience store. I had been ignoring the cops. I
payed them no attention. This cop came in and told me that he was going to "take
care" of me. The feeling of doom set in.
Now, before he came into that store, (I talk to myself constantly) I was talking
about what I was going to do next and things just in the store that I needed to
do next.
After he came in and said that I realize now that it seemed like I was talking
directly to HIM. His name is LEE. He IS a Chattanooga Police Officer.
I was living with a boyfriend at the time. I started hearing whispers (Lee's
whisper) outside of our apartment. If I shut the door, I didn't hear it. It was
like bouncing off the walls.
I DID NOT hear anyone talking (bouncing of the walls) at the Conoco where I
worked. I would be at work and the phone would ring and I would go to the cage
to answer it. A cop (sometimes Lee, sometimes not) would come up the road. I
would hear things on the scanner like the dispatcher came on one night and asked
a cop if he would go and check on "her". Next thing I know, a cop was coming up
the street just looking at me and then got on the scanner and said, "She's
fine." THESE THINGS WERE NOT DELUSIONS, THESE THINGS REALLY HAPPENED.
I left my boyfriend and got an apartment on my own. I quit working there and
started working at the Golden Gallon.
The first night in my apartment, I heard kids upstairs. After that, it was Lee
and "his helpers". Real or not, I don't know.
I hope you can see where this is going. The voices in my head were telling me
that I loved Lee. If Lee was "up there" I was fine. If he was not, I would be
highly emotional. It was Lee this, and Lee that. All the time, 24 hours a day. I
would not sleep for days. I wanted Lee to be there, but then I didn't want him
to be.
Right before I quit my job at the Golden Gallon, I told "Lee" (after he told me
is was leaving if I didn't do something) not to let the door hit him in the ass
on the way out. Apparently I just forgot to add for him to take his friends with
him!
The whole time the voices would ask me why did I love Lee and they would tell me
that I did love Lee. I was so STRESSED and SCARED almost out of my mind, that I
went along with just about anything they said or told me to do. If it was wrong,
I didn't do it. They did not mess up my right and wrong.
I have to add that I did not at ANY point in time think that I was crazy. I
would just always say that the cops were trying to drive me crazy. The cops were
harassing me. If they come any where near me, then that is harassment so far as
I am concerned. Just being there will do it.
One day I would be depressed, the next day I would be totally "high on life" I
guess you could say. I am not a drug addict but it was like someone had given me
a shot of cocaine. (PTSD)
Lee actually at one point in time, came in the Conoco and told all the clerks
that I was crazy. One of the other clerks, Delilah, told him that "Sharon isn't
crazy, she's just Sharon!" That said it all. I had been like that (Stressed and
scared) for so long, that that was just the way I was.
Anyway, when Lee "left" I kept asking where he was. I actually would beg for him
to come back and "save" me. Night after night. Day after day. He never came
until the voices one night told me that I was hearing voices. I didn't have a
clue. I didn't know if it was real people or not and I didn't really care then,
and I don't now. I just wanted them away from me. Physically and mentally. The
night I started taking medication, I heard his whisper. I was relieved to know
that he had come back.
But like you this whole time I wanted Lee there, but I didn't want him there. I
didn't and still don't feel safe, either way. If he was there I was scared, but
if he wasn't I was even more terrified. Sometimes I think the voices were trying
to scare me death.
I was diagnosed as Schizophrenic and the doctor told me I had a psychotic
episode. I say that somebody had a psychotic episode, but it wasn't me. I know
that that is like not admitting that I have a disorder, I'm just saying that if
I really and truly had all the disorders that I KNOW I have had in my life time,
either I have a very strong mind OR I should be in a padded cell somewhere.
There is much more to this story. But I had to let you know that there was a
time in my life when I felt the same as you. I was scared for him to be there
and I was scared for him not to be there. I wanted to run to him and away from
him. Now, since I didn't know him in the first place, it doesn't bother me. I
think ALL cops are evil. Let them come take me away. Cops still come in my store
and act like they are determined to talk to me and I am determined I'm not. I
feel like listening to them (the cops and the voices) are what got me in this
mess in the first place. I just point to the door and say, "Get out!"
As you can see, there is a lot of abuse, physical, emotional, and mental, and a
lot of coercion in my life.
I'm just glad it's over. I CAN beat the "voices". You don't have to "love" them
and you don't have to accept THEM. You have to only accept the fact that they
are what they are. VOICES.
i cried when i read about your divorce...sharing things like that helps people a
great deal...
Sorry to hear about your troubles...I had no idea you were going thru all this,
and kudos for getting back up and keeping on keeping on. I have been there and
done that. It has been over 20 years since my divorce but I could feel the pain
of the abandonment all over again just reading about it. Why is it we have no
problem with "evocative memory" when it comes to that kind of pain, and are so
retarded when it comes to the good stuff? Anyway, welcome back.
I've got to tell ya, the worst thing about having BPD and BP is definitely the
way I respond to abandonment. One abandonment triggers me to remember all the
rest in my life and it gets to the point where I don't feel I can carry any more
baggage. About 4 months ago I had the worst week of my life.
It started out with me visiting my old high school - I graduated last year. I
was VERY close to some of my teachers, and seeing them and talking to them just
made me want to go back. Everyone seemed to be moving on but me. This past
winter I was so depressed that I didn't work or go to school. Visiting them made
me feel totally lost in space. It was like I had misplaced myself... and I
needed to find me, and fast.
I kept telling myself that losing my friends and my old mentors didn't
matter, as long as I had one person... My high school social worker. Her name is
Chris and I ranked her right up there with God. She is the most giving person I
have ever known. I had talked to her all through high school... we had given
each other small gifts, she had been to my house, she had given me rides home -
she definitely ecceeded whatever responsibility she had to the students as a
social worker. We were close. Anyways, when I was with her I felt like a whole
person. When I was self destructing in every form and feeling like I couldn't go
on... she was there to remind me that I was going to make it. She has TREMENDOUS
faith in me, something I rarely have myself - and I thought I would always have
her to turn to.
She had been talking to me the whole year after I graduated... but how long
would it go on? After I got back from my old high school, I was so depressed
that I stayed in bed for 3 days without changing or showering, I hardly ate. One
thought was running through my mind. Call Chris and make sure she'll always be
there for you. I called. She explained to me that we would eventually have to
say goodbye. I cried. I begged. That night I wrote her a three paged letter as
to why she simply HAS to stay in my life for my survival. I was up all night
anxious. I slit my wrist, but when I started bleeding heavily I had a panic
attack and had to wrap it. I was so very afraid. I called her at 7:30 am, which
was as soon as the school opened and she would be there. I left a message. I
laid in bed all day waiting for her to return my call. When she finally did, I
said - still in a state of panic - thank GOD it's you. I read her the letter.
She assured me that she wasn't going to change her mind about eventually having
to say goodbye. After I cried again and became totally hopeless, I screamed at
her. I told her I hated her. She told me she had to go and we would talk about
this later, she said goodbye. I said nothing. I wish I would have said something
instead of hanging up. I wish I could have controlled myself at that point, but
I couldn't. I clutched my stomach and I screamed. I got up, I went straight for
the medicine cabinet. I couldn't take any more. My life was over. I wrote a list
for my parents as a suicide letter of all the people and things that had ever
abandoned me. Some friends, some mentors, some family, and even my cat. At the
bottom of the list I wrote NO MORE.
Of course, I got out of this... luckily, unscathed. You would think after
washing down prescription meds and barbituates with caugh syrup my liver would
at least be shot or something. But I will say this, it was pretty scarey in that
hospital. I felt so alone... and I was a total mess. Everyone kept looking at me
and asking me stupid questions... I just wanted to scream at them to mind their
business. I passed out 4 times before I worked up the guts to call the ER. I was
panicking. I wanted to die, my God I did... but something in me just couldn't
lay there and let it happen. It was hell after that... getting home... crying
all day and night... and then the hyper mania that followed where I couldn't
sleep for some 5 days. It was aweful. I want to learn to let go of it all... I
want to learn to stand on my own and have my own faith in myself... I want to be
confident... but without Chris I still feel like a piece of me is missing.
I am so sorry you're having to face this situation right now. To tell you the
truth, I think that dealing with a break-up, weather of a great relationship or
a terrible one, is extremely difficult for someone with Borderline Personality
Disorder. Personally, I believe the difficulty is biological as much as
psychological (more nature than nurture), though of course everybody has their
own situation.
Nearly two months ago, a relationship that's been on-again off-again for six
years became off. Again. It's heartbreaking to me, because I've never been the
side that wanted to end things. We've had two major break-ups prior to this, so
I've certainly had some practice, and yet I find myself in exactly the same
cognitive and emotional situation I was in both of the other times.
I read somewhere recently that, for the Borderline person, breakups are sort of
backwards. You take your average human being, break up with them, and they'll be
terribly hurt at first; they'll grieve and gradually, over time, begin to feel
better. But with a Borderline person, you break up with them and they'll seem to
be fine, but will get worse with time. I find that to be the most frightening
fact of life for me, right now.
And, for me (I recognized this in your letter, I think), the problem isn't
grief, so much - it's a nearly indescribable sinking into an alternate
perception of what's happening to me, of what I believe about him and myself.
One hour I can be fine, and the next I may sink into this dysphoric hole and
everything I believe can change. The desperation I feel at those times has led,
in the past, to some terrible decisions that had consequences I still haven't
come to grips with. I am not myself at those times. They may last from a low of
about 1 to a high of about 48 hours. When they hit I usually become absolutely
desperate to contact him. When they leave I am shaky and afraid of myself. As
time goes by I begin to cycle in and out of this state - the last time we broke
up, it truly became hourly. It was the most devastating time in my life (it was
also around eight months after we broke up).
Beware this cycle - don't sell it short. It is imperative that you talk to your
therapist completely openly about how you feel when it hits. Try telling your
therapist (make sure this is someone you really trust) exactly what went through
your mind and your heart the last time it hit - write it down and read it back
to him/her, if you can. It will help to diffuse the next episode. And then
refocus on your strengths and on what didn't work for you in the relationship.
And - this may be very important - never try to tell yourself that this is the
last episode, or that you're done grieving the end of this. If you stay aware of
and accept the fact that you grieve differently that a non-BPD'er, you can stay
better prepared to use tried and true things like meditation, deep breathing and
distration techniques (I'll include a list of Dialectical Behavior Therapy
techniques at the end of this letter).
I had the roughest day yet, today. I feel awful because I've continued (once
again) to contact him even though he doesn't want me to - I don't even bother
calling, since he won't answer the phone if he knows it's me - I just show up at
his door. The last time we broke up, I hijacked his email account. The time
before that I continued contacting him for 8 months after we broke up. I am a
nightmare of a person to break up with. I don't understand why he got back
together with me the other two times, assume that if I just improve myself and
keep contacting him this time he'll get back together with me again, and am
terrified - TERRIFIED - that this time, it really is over. I feel lost and
bereft; I miss him terribly. And I feel angry, too. James never bothered coming
to me and telling me it was over. I just had to figure it out for myself -
mostly by playing this drawn out game of twenty questions.
Unlike traditional grief, there isn't much of anything out there for the
Borderline person who's going through a breakup. However, there is an excellent
book called "The Journey From Abandonment To Healing", by Susan Anderson, that I
highly recommend.
Take care of yourself, and thank you so much for your continued commitment to
all of us out here in the ether.
Rachel Sullivan
PS - Here are the skills from my DBT Skills Diary Card:
1. Wise Mind
2. Observe: just notice
3. Describe: put words on
4. Nonjudgmental stance
5. One-mindfully: in the moment
6. Effectiveness: focus on what works
7. Objective effectiveness: DEAR MAN
8. Relationship effectiveness: GIVE
9. Self-respect effectiveness: FAST
10. Reduce vulnerability: PLEASE
11. Build MASTERy
12. Build positive experiences
13. Opposite-to-emotion action
14. Distract
15. Self-soothe
16. Improve the moment
17. Pros and cons
18. Radical acceptance
Man could I relate to you. I am also BP & BPD. What I am about to tell you, I
have never confessed to anyone other than my counselor. I am on my 5th marriage.
I am only 37 years old. I OBVIOUSLY have some really big issues with being
alone. I could relate to you when you said that you can remember telling your
husband to leave, but when he left you would try to find a reason to get him
back, but when he came back you did not want him back. It is just a terrible
feeling. It is unbearable and the cycle will repeat itself. I am a living
example of that.
In my 5th marriage I am very aware of my illness unlike before. I
over-compensate now. I try to keep the marriage together because I know I never
really tried before. I am scared of failing now. I do catch myself in the old
behavior at times "saying go ahead and leave" then 30 minutes later "I love you,
I cannot live without you". I just hate myself so much for this. It is so much
work staying on guard trying to avoid things that trigger you. I am a much
better person now than ever before, but boy it is so much work. I tend to stress
myself out from working so hard at not pushing people away. I think you may know
what I mean.
I just don't understand why I tend to draw the wrong people to me. Or are
these people the wrong people. Do you ever find that you question yourself so
much? What a crazy world we live in. It can also be an interesting one, never a
dull moment. LOL!
Thank you for your newsletter, I look forward to it. By the way sweetie, take
care of yourself, I wish you the best in your new life.
My hope is that this newsletter will help you begin to understand that we are
all made of basically the same stuff. It is SO important to remember when you
are feeling abandoned how absolutely wonderful you are. When you are feeling
abandoned our focus is on someone else and our self-esteem is so damaged. After
all, if the other person doesn't want us, then we must be pretty "yucky." I
guarantee that the reason the other person is not in your life is because you
are "yucky."
Be sure to take time out between relationships to allow healing to take place,
find out who you are and become a healthy person so that you can attract a
healthy person.
God Bless,
Patty Pheil M.S.W.
Mental Health Today
http://www.mental-health-today.com
MEMBERSHIP SECTIONS
Check into either
http://www.mental-health-today.com/borderline/membership.htm
OR
http://www.mental-health-today.com/bipolar/membership.htm
You can order a partial membership which will have text information. I don't
recommend it for therapists. It is for consumers and most are my articles and
other information. I will be continuing to write in this section all the time.
Once it opens it will continue to grow.
There will be a LOT of research in the text section and I am finding it very
interesting!
The full sections include the text section AND very strong, very close support
and I will be very available to answer questions and to provide emotional
support. You will be using bulletin boards but the boards will have a small
amount of people so you will not have the feeling of getting lost in the
shuffle. Plus quarterly chats.
I am going to have someone work with me definitely on the bipolar section and
probably on the borderline section as well.
There have been quite a few sign-ups so I want to make sure that everyone gets
what they need.
This section again should open in late July or August. It was scheduled to open
earlier but personal losses and website issues made this impossible.
BPD FAMILY GROUPS ONLINE - SUCH AS WTO – Welcome to Oz
********************************************************
A friend of mine decided to check out "Welcome to Oz" a family group of people
who have the borderline personality disorder. This is the group I keep warning
people about in my newsletters. I think you will find that this kind of activity
goes on in a lot of groups but I believe more so in this one.
Anyway, she wrote an excellent article from investigating that group. You'll
find the link to that article on the front page of
http://www.mental-health-today.com/borderline/
along with another link to "Bringing BPD into the Light" which is excellent by
Valerie Porr at TARA.
Mental Health Today Bookstore
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