At the age of 15 my grandma gave me a book called Angels on Assignment. It was a story about a pastor having visitations from Angels. I thought that my grandma lost her mind to believe that angels would still visit someone in our time. My grandma prayed for me that I would have a deep hunger to read this book and to want to know Jesus more. I did not know she was praying for me.

I started thinking about this book. I began reading it. I realize that I did not have a personal relationship with Jesus and knew there had to be more to just being saved. I became very depressed to the point of wanting to die.  Growing up in the church of Christ I was taught that sucide was the upardonable sin.  So I never tried to take my life but would pray for God to take me home.  I was 16 at the time and did not want to grow up and face the world as an adult.  I felt going home to be with Jesus would be better. 

My mother called my grandma to let me spend a week with her.  She said my daughter keeps talking about dieing please help her.  This is my story of my week with my grandma and how Jesus sat me free from wanting to die. 

In the summer time I went to stay with my grandma for a week. I told her that I read her book. She was so happy that I read her book. We went to Church and at Sunday school they were talking about the unpardonable sin. I asked them what the unpardonable sin was.

This person gave me wrong information. This person told me that if I ever made fun of someone speaking in tongues that I commented the unpardonable sin.

Tongues are a gift from the Holy Spirit; it’s a Spiritual language from Heaven. I used to make fun of the people at my grandma’s church I thought they were crazy for speaking in tongues so I thought that I commented the unpardonable sin and thought that I could never be forgiven.

The unpardonable sin is someone speaking against the Holy Spirit and meaning it from his or her heart. This person would have to been with God for a long time and walked very deeply with God and then decide to turn away from God never to serve Him again. I didn’t tell anyone that I thought I commented the unpardonable sin. I kept it to myself and begged and pleaded with God to forgive me.

My grandma took me to a prayer meeting. They were singing praise songs about Salvation and I felt unworthy to sing these songs. There was a picture on the wall of Jesus. Every time I looked at the picture of Jesus I felt so much love and peace. It was if the eyes would follow me in the room. When I looked away I felt unworthy and fill of sin.

After the Bible study was over they were praying for people and laying hands on the sick. They would speak in tongues and Ruth would prophesy (give a message from God for the person). I said a prayer "Jesus if you still love me and forgive me please give Ruth a message that you still love me and forgive me?"

I also thought to myself, "I wonder if God knows that I love Him even when I have doubts about Him?"  I decided to go up for prayer. I really needed to know that what they were doing was of God. I knew if I told people that I felt God hated me and that I commented the unpardonable sin, they could make up a message that God loves me.

I really needed to know God was speaking so I did not tell anyone that I thought that I commented the unpardonable sin. I went up for healing because I had a bad stomachache. They laid hands on me and begin to pray in tongues. I felt heat coming from their hands. This heat started to go though my head and though my body and when it got to my stomach the pain went away. Then Ruth told me, "Jesus has a message for you and this is what He is saying to you."

"My little child, if you have sinned against Me I forgive you. I know that you love Me even though you have doubts about Me. I am not a mean God but a loving God and I do not punish people for their doubts."

I felt a burden lift off my shoulders. Jesus also told me to love myself more and told me that because of me that many people would come to Him. A big burden just lifted from my shoulders.  I was forgiven and still loved by God. 

The sucidal thoughts left me.  I had a reason to live and not die. My whole life changed. I could understand the Bible for the very first time. It was if the Words just jump off the pages at me. I would spend hours just reading the bible. Jesus was real to me. I could feel His love and sometimes feel His arms around me.  

I am still serving God today.  I have my trials and test but for every test there is a testimony to tell.  I have a reason to live that is to live for Jesus and serve Him and reach out to others.  Sometimes just forgetting about yourself and reaching out to others can bring joy and make depression go away.