Avoid Being A Scapegoat
July 22, 2002
Hello Wonderful People,
This letter goes out to ANYONE who has a mental health disorder, whether it is
bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, ptsd, panic disorder,
agoraphobia, schizophrenia, etc.
You know, there is a lot of discussion about the families of people who have
mental disorders; we now know them as brain disorders which is more accurate. I
have a great deal of respect for these families because let's face it, it isn't
easy to live with many of the symptoms of our disorders and for most of us it
seems, we live with more than one disorder.
These kinds of disorders as I always say, don't like to come alone and love to
bring company whether it be panic disorder, generalized anxiety disorder,
attention deficit disorder, you name it. I have discussed the "affective
spectrum" many times.
So I encourage families to reach out for support but as I have mentioned before,
be careful where you find that help. There is much hate in many family groups
and that is an ok place to begin but the goal should be to move past that and
not remain in that place. Look for swastikas hanging. LOL
However! I am more of an advocate for the person with mental health disorders
because I understand this world better on a personal and professional level. My
letter today is a caution against something I see a lot.
Because many of the symptoms of our disorders are so visible, so easy to see by
our families – so obvious, our problems are so much the focus of our
relationships.
For me it wasn't easy to not see the bookshelf coming down, or me clearing my
desk and the last and worse one, breaking apart two wooden tv trays.
The family member can say "See! Look! This is the reason for all my problems. I
have no problems of my own because they aren't so visible and you can't see them
so easy as the person who has the disorder."
Does this mean the person without the obvious disorders don't have deep issues?
Does this mean that the family member doesn't ever trigger the person with the
mental health issues? Does this get brought up in therapy?
It is so common when relationships come to an end for the family member who does
not have an obvious mental health disorder to say to everyone "I left the
marriage because my wife/husband acted out too many times." Or "I left the
marriage because I could not stand their disorder another second."
When you hear messages like this, WATCH OUT! Never is there one simple pat
answer to a break up of a relationship UNLESS the person does not want to face
their inner responsibility for their part and that part has NOTHING to do with
the other person's disorder. Yes, you heard me right!
Because our disorders are so visible, I'll say this again, we are and can be
excellent scapegoats for people who do not want to face up to their
responsibilities. It is so much easier to blame a very easy scapegoat and many
do and the sad part is that the person with the disorder buys into it and takes
all the blame.
Not one person is all guilty for a break-up for a relationship.
If both people have mental health issues, one party can still blame the other
person just the same. Some mental health disorders express themselves "quieter "
but can be even more deadly to a relationship than someone acting out
physically. We call that emotional abuse, emotional violence, being unavailable
to their partner such as depression, ptsd, etc.
Have you ever went out on a first date and asked that person why their marriage
didn't work, which in my opinion is not an appropriate question for the first
date? Have you noticed it is a very simple answer and it isn't multi-faceted and
it is the other person's fault? You are hearing a very twisted story.
Remember for those of you that have mental health disorders who are in
relationships, don't buy into the theory that you are lucky to have this person
and that not many people would have you. You are very loveable and many people
would love you. Never take second seat.
Remember if your partner has no mental health disorders that he/she still has
issues of their own. Everyone does. Never let them blame you for things that do
not belong to you.
Now if you are out of a relationship and your ex has created a false story, what
do you care? Be glad that this person is gone. Obviously they have a problem
with compulsive lying and you want none of that.
Never ever allow your mental health disorder(s) to make you feel bad or less
about yourself. Mental health disorders are brain disorders. You wouldn't feel
bad if you had diabetes would you? Same type of thing.
You are not your disorder. You are still you, just working hard to feeling
better and you have lots of company.
Never ever let anyone make you feel less than who you are because of your
disorder(s) whether it be your work, your friends, etc. In today's society
people are extremely uneducated about mental health so you are likely to hear
incredible things that are far from the truth and expected to just "snap out of
it."
VICTIMS
Last piece of advice. Watch out for "victims" who are looking for a persecutor.
These people love the attention of playing the victim and they create situations
that look like someone is abusing them. They will go out of their way to set
situations up. If you touch them, you "hit" them.
They have a history of being abused themselves.
LONG HISTORY OF ABUSE
Many of us with mental health disorders have a long history of being abused both
by society and the mental health system itself.
Check out this Support Group! Difficulty getting the mental health treatment you
need? Are you feeling swallowed alive, perhaps dehumanized? To subscribe to this
list send a blank email to
mental-health-support-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
BRAND NEW MENTAL HEALTH TODAY BULLETIN BOARDS
Parents Who Gave Up Their Child (through adoption or other means)
http://pub39.ezboard.com/bparentswhogaveuptheirchild
When Your Partner is an Abuser
http://pub40.ezboard.com/bwhenyourpartnerisanabuser
When Your Partner is a Chronic Liar
http://pub40.ezboard.com/bwhenyourpartnerisachronicliar
When Your Partner Cheats
http://pub40.ezboard.com/bwhenyourpartnercheats
NEW CHAT ROOMS
We also have THREE, yes three new chatrooms besides our new BPD Today chatroom
at
http://www.mental-health-today.com/borderline/jchat/bpdchat.htm
or if you familiar with IRC it's at Austnet, room #bpdtoday
The three new ones will have operators very soon and will be able to take your
visits. You will find them all at Austnet :
One is a DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder) Chat #didtoday
One is a PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) Chat #ptsdtoday
One is for Birthmothers who have given up a child #birthmothers
Applets will be made available for these rooms in case you are not familiar with
IRC and I will be notifying you where to find these rooms very soon.
A REMINDER of BPD TODAY CHAT GET TOGETHER
As I said, come to the room anytime, however I wanted to plan two different
get-togethers in the chat room I just mentioned above! Now write this down!
You can go to both if you want!!
July 27th , Saturday 12:00 NOON EST – 2:00 PM EST
July 27th , Saturday 8 PM EST to 11:00 PM EST
The chat is found at
http://www.mental-health-today.com/borderline/jchat/bpdchat.htm
IRC Austnet, #bpdtoday
To register your nick type /msg NickOP register password emailaddress replace
the word password with a password of your choice, and the words emailaddress
with your email address.
To identify (sign on to the services) type /msg
nickop@austnet.org identify password
password being the password you registered your nick with.
Warmly,
Patty Pheil MSW
Webowner
Mental Health Today
http://www.mental-health-today.com
