Letter from a Mom.

Letter from a Mom – by Judy Williams

I have no idea when my son actually came down with schizophrenia. There were episodes during his late teens early twenties where I thought he was smoking dope or taking drugs because of his behavior. Come to find out that smoking marijuana produces similar behavior, according to a caseworker.

One episode in particular stands out in my mind. He had been living in Santa Cruz and commuting over the hill to work. It was during the weekend that I got a phone call, ‘Mom, I think they are trying to kill me". He was in a Chinese restaurant in Santa Cruz. I told him to pay the bill and go home and I would be right over (I lived in Los Gatos). Five minutes later, just as I was leaving, he called again and said "it is OK, don't come over, I'm OK". I asked him what he had been smoking or taking, was he on drugs? "No mom, I'm OK".

For years I went over his whole childhood, my families background, my husbands relatives and anything and everything I could think of to see how my son could have gotten sick. There were many head injuries. Maybe it was something I did when I was pregnant, smoked, drank liquor, and didn’t watch my diet. You see thirty-seven years ago none of these things were considered when a woman was pregnant. Well, I have stopped blaming myself; I take one day at a time with my son. I am very lucky to have him living in housing provided by the county. He has a caseworker and a doctor; gets his meds at the county pharmacy and is on Social Security Disability.

I was told it was a progressive illness, so I know he will never be as he might have been, but I do know that I see glimpses of "my son" when he is close to being himself. I will always have hope that he will be able to control his illness in a peaceful way. I try not to think about it a lot because it brings up painful emotions, tears and sadness. My son is such a good person; I will never understand why he suffers so much. All I can do is give him all my support and love.

Love, Mom

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